Just what is going wrong at West Ham?

Apologies to all five of my regular blog readers, I have been on a blogging holiday. But now I'm back and I'll never go away again, I promise.

The truth is that I've been depressed. Most Monday mornings, I can't even get out of bed. I just lie there, wondering if Luis Jimenez will ever be robust enough for the Premier League. Or if everything is alright in Herita Ilunga's home life - maybe his dishwasher is broken - what else could explain his distracted recent performances?

Things got so bad after last weekend's defeat at Stoke that I spent all of Tuesday hiding under the duvet, sobbing and muttering Luis Boa Morte's name.

Then last night I had a strange dream in which I was visited by the ghost of Billy Bonds, who told me to pull myself together and try to find a way out of this. He also told me he'd read my blog and didn't think much of it. He said it wasn't his cup of tea.

But anyway, the point Bonzo was trying to get across is that wallowing gets you nowhere. Instead, we should try and work out why things are going wrong. So I'll have a go…

Lucas
I never much warmed to Lucas Neill as a man, but there's no denying he was a key figure in our defence last season. And only now are we seeing just how big his influence was. People are banging on about our lack of goals, but right now our biggest problems are at the back. It's not simply that Julien Faubert is not as good as Neill; it's the effect Neill had on our whole back four. Tomkins, Ilunga and Upson have all begun to make mistakes, possibly because Neill isn't there to shout at them for it. We miss our horrible captain.

4-3-3
There are three things Gianfranco loves: Steve Clarke, Mario Ballotelli and 4-3-3. Oh, and Chelsea. Four things. And loads of other things too, I suppose. But the point is, 4-3-3 is definitely high up the list and Gianfranco will do anything to make it work, even when it's not.

Last season, our form improved when we switched to a 4-4-2. There's a clamour for the manager to do it again but it's not as simple as that because Zola has bought the players for his 4-3-3. Jimenez and Diamanti are not wingers; he wanted them to play off Cole in a 4-3-3. In fact, we don’t have any wingers apart from Stanislas (not ready), Boa Morte (dead) and Dyer (as good as dead).

But 4-3-3 isn't working for us, that much is obvious. Playing just Diamanti off Cole against Stoke didn't seem to work either…

Carlton
Carlton is not the reason for our demise. On the contrary, he's arguably been our best player this season and is undoubtedly our most important. But he looks so lonely. He's like a kid who has been deserted by all his mates. No one's interested in playing with his knockdowns. No one will hang around with him in the 18-yard box. The only orthodox front pairing in our squad is Cole and Hines. But Hines has never scored…

You know what, I'm going to have to stop this. I'm getting depressed again…